My friend Michelle lived next door to me. When she decided to move I knew I wanted it for my new home. I actually wanted it before she bought it but never told her. So plan were in the making before Mary passed away. One of the pluses was it had a large downstairs room and if my parents ever needed a place to stay I could accommodate them. I didn't actual think they would ever move in because my dad was determined he wanted to stay in their home and if they did decide to move, Mary had already remodeled her home to include a whole house generator for them. She was more than frustrated that she had worked so hard to make a comfortable place for them to live and knowing she could better care for mama's diabetes and offer much better nutrition. She kept her hurt inside....she kept a lot of hurt inside on the days daddy was in one of his moods and could say very hurtful things.
She would call me and we would try to remind each other, it's the disease talking but I knew deep down she was still hurt.
After Mary's funeral we tried to get back to the task of moving. Try is the key word because I completely shut down. I felt like a robot just going through the motions. Haleigh a young lady I claim as my daughter was still living with my parents and caring for their needs. I was having to fight the anxiety and agoraphobia just to make my visits. I was completely dependent on Megan and Haleigh to do the daily care for my parents. The only feeling I could feel was failure.
Michelle was beginning to move, which meant I needed to move and clean my house up to put on the market but I couldn't. There was some other situations going on at the same time and I couldn't deal with anyone who did not want to be part helping or part of the solution. Tammy noticed immediately I was shut down and struggle to sleep because the nightmares had started again, so she gathered her things and came to not only help with the move but to try to get me and my house back in order again. For that, I could never repay her for all that she did. She would write me lists to accomplish, call everyday to remind me of the list and after a few days she would return and help complete them.
The partial move took place and I still felt lost. Out of my Haven and into someone else's home
I wasn't improving, I was not only grieving Mary's death but all the flashbacks of Justin had resurfaced. My parents needed me... Appointments needed to be rescheduled. A new plan needed to be made and I needed to get back to work and my grandson couldn't understand why happened to his nana. All I could think about was I was not only screwed I was now incompetent to care for myself much less my parents, and they couldn't take care of themselves.
Finding strength in my Heavenly Father was my only hope. I knew the strong independent woman I had worked so hard to become was inside but she was hiding behind all the pain. So I spend hours seeking His promises. Trying to make something click and snap me out of my current state of mind.
Daily I pretended I was getting better so my friends weren't as concerned. I was going to fake it till I could make it. Michelle called constantly to encourage but she was in the middle of her own move.
Bless Pete, he was one of the few men I could depend on to do what he said he would do. I'm sure he was ready to go back to work. My friends from White Oak UPC showed up to help move just when Michelle and I were ready to just sit and cry because we were just not mentally or physically able to continue moving any more. Corinne and I couldn't coordinate our schedules but I know she was there with me in spirit and praying hard for me. In a crisis, you truly know who your friends are. To the defense of others, I don't always call and ask for help due to possible rejections. I've just learned to do for myself and what I can't do Megan and Haleigh will jump in. I was uncomfortable at first when Haleigh called in help from her parents but they were both gracious to help I just didn't want anyone to see me in my condition. God calls out for us when we have no voice.
I returned to the Doctor to seek guidance in my parents healthcare and to see if he thought I was ready to return to work. Being at the office reminded me of Mary, The Doctor reminded me of Mary. As we discussed how no one knew she had cancer, my anxiety went out the roof, He tried to answer all my questions about Mary but nothing really made sense or eased my mind. Then we discussed my parents and I completely melted down. He had to encourage me to work through the anxiety attack and my desire to get up and run home. At that point it was agreed I wasn't ready for work or to even be in a crowed room.
What was I to do?? I've make an agreement to buy a new house and my parents had to be cared for.
Mary's word just ringing in my ears!!!
I have to say, the management where I work have been the most understanding, have shown so much empathy, grace and encouragement. They make me want to be the person they know I am.
The next day I get the call, my mother has fallen. Thankful they have Gold Cross response but it was then I knew decisions would have to be made. Ready or not....Life as we knew it was getting ready.
to change....
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